Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
im holly from the hills drunk
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
