So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
