Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
