we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
soo... how was my night?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
