i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
