a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
