i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
