do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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