i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
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