I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
