If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Oh god it's open bar.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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