I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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