i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
