I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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