I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
In America we eat man semen.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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