There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
