Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
