I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
