Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
