Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Ladies don't puke and tell
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
