I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
