Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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