So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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