Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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