i would punch a child for taco bell
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
