There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
