My cat gives me a boner
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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