God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
