I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
