I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
