people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
