i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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