Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
dude i'm inner monologue high
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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