I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
