you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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