I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
