he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
