Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
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Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
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I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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