I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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