he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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