I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
