Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
