i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
