If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
