I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
