You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
