My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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