but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
worst night to have a conscience
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
