I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I think my fart just growled at me.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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