I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
did i just pee glitter
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize