I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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