I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
