I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
