Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am