This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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