I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
