The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
