why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
