Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
