Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
